"Love can be wonderful, but it can also be very destructive. It can cause people to lie, to cheat, to steal, to commit murder, and-- worst of all-- to write lyrics like these:
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?"

--Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs

*****

       "But what about Shera?"
       "What do you mean?"
       "She's out of town, right?"
       "Yeah, so?"
       "What if she finds out? Is she gonna--"
       Cid walked over to the bed, where Yuffie was lying face down. He traced a finger down her spine and shook his head. "Nah… she's pretty cool about me doing these kinds of things." His finger reached her waist and lingered there. "You sure you want to do this? It's been awhile since--"
       Yuffie turned her head to try to get a glimpse of Cid in the dim light. "Duh! Of course! Ever since you brought it up, I can't stop thinking about it!"
       Cid sighed. "All right. I did promise ya." After a moment, he continued, "I have to get something from the dresser. I'll be right back."
       Yuffie turned her face back to the pillows. Soon, she heard Cid walk back toward the bed, rubbing his hands together. Inwardly, she grinned. She had been waiting for this for a long time.
       Cid's finger returned to the small of her back. Slowly, he pulled her T-shirt up halfway. As he stopped, he felt Yuffie take a slow, deep breath. Cid sat down beside her and asked, "Mind if I take my time with this? We'll get the best results that way."
       As Cid pressed his thumbs to the sides of her spine, she muttered, "Sure… whatever you want."
       Cid nodded and started moving his thumbs in a circular pattern. The flowery smell of the exfoliate he had rubbed on his hands reached her nose. She smiled, glad that she took Cid up on his offer. Ever since he mentioned that he knew how to give massages, her aching back had longed for one. Weird that Cid of all people would know how to do this, but she wasn't one to question anything. Especially when he wouldn't be charging her for this first session.
       All was quiet as Cid slid her hands up under her shirt and started working the area around her shoulder blades. The only sound that could be heard in Rocket Town was of the chirping cicadas.

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line

       Suddenly, a howling noise penetrated the tranquil night. Yuffie took the pillow that her chin was resting on and pulled it over her head.
       "Gawd! I didn't know that there were Kalm Fangs on this continent!"
       Cid pulled his hands away from Yuffie and stood up. "Those ain't Fangs, Yuffie. I'm goin' downstairs."
       The pilot started toward the staircase. After a moment, Yuffie got up, pulled her shirt down, and followed him to the first floor.
       In the dining room, the source of the howling was perched up on a chair, with eyes closed and snout raised high into the air.
       "Red!" Cid yelled over the creature's baying. "What the &*#$ are you doing?"
       Nanaki, also known to his friends as Red XIII, turned to Cid and replied, "Close those windows and I'll tell you."
       Yuffie immediately darted around the room, shutting all of the windows. As she did so, she heard some other animals' howling, as well as the faint sound of music.
       Once the outside sounds had been blocked out, Nanaki relaxed, taking deep, controlled breaths. Cid asked the beast, in the calmest voice he could muster, "Now can you please tell us just what the *&@$ that was all about?"
       Nanaki looked at his friends. "I was just sitting here, reading my grandpa's book, when this hideous song comes wafting in on the evening breeze. Now, as is typical with such songs, this one contained many unusually high pitches. So, I did what any good four-legged mammal would do in such a situation: I howled over the music, trying to quell the pain that it caused my poor eardrums. Surely you heard other animals howling as well. I suspect that they were in the same predicament that I was."
       The room fell silent as Cid pondered Nanaki's words. After awhile, he walked over to the front door and flung it open, which immediately sent Nanaki howling again. Stepping outside, Cid strained to listen over the cries of Rocket Town's various dogs and cats. He walked toward the back of his house; where he could hear the source of Nanaki's agony for the first time. It was indeed music, bad music, and it was coming from the general direction of the Nibel Mountains.
       "Goddammit. Of all the ^&#* songs…"
       He ran back inside the house, slamming the door shut behind him.
       "All right. That's it. We're taking this menace out, right now. Yuffie, get into your battle outfit." The ninja nodded and rushed back upstairs. Cid turned to the orange beast. "Red, you wanna come along?"
       Nanaki shook his head. "I don't think I'm should. I fear for my sanity lest I go closer to the source of that horrendous music."
       "Have it your way," Cid replied, before rushing to the backyard to fire up the Tiny Bronco.

I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

       As Cid and Yuffie flew over the Nibel Mountains, they could hear the music reverberate from peak to peak, echoing and amplifying the current tune until it finally bounced off the last mountain and streamed toward Rocket Town. Yuffie stared down in frightened awe at the natural acoustics system, and wondered where the exact source of the music could be.
       They landed just outside of the village of Nibelheim, and immediately noticed that much of the town was dark. In fact, the Shinra Mansion was the only building with any lights burning in the windows. As they came before the Mansion's front gate, Cid stopped dead in his tracks. Yuffie followed his lead and stood still behind him.
       Cid whispered, "Listen… do you hear that?"
       Yuffie concentrated on the sounds around her, isolating them. "The music… it's coming from somewhere inside the Mansion."
       "Yep. Whoever's in there must have really bad taste."
       "Let's sneak in and get rid of that music!" Yuffie suggested.
       "I with ya. Wait here."
       Spear in hand, Cid leaped high up into the air and silently came down on the other side of the gate. He unlocked it to let Yuffie in, but she was already halfway over the brick wall. This annoyed Cid.
       "Geez, can't I ever do nice things for you?!"
       Yuffie giggled. "It's not that. I just like seeing the look on your face."
       "Shh," Cid warned her. "We're sneakin' in, remember?"
       "Right," Yuffie whispered.
       The ninja made quick work of the front door lock, and soon they were inside. Exploring the darkened central hall, they noticed that none of the Mansion's usual ghosts and monsters were around. The place also appeared to be free of dust and cobwebs. Obviously, someone had been keeping this place up since their last visit. Cid and Yuffie listened to the music as it echoed off the walls. Occasionally, other sounds were mixed in; sounds of laughter, sighing, humming, and other, more indescribable, sounds.
       Yuffie deadpanned, "Sounds like someone's having fun."
       "They won't once we shut off their music. C'mon."
       Although working around the echoes proved a bit tricky at first, Cid and Yuffie at last managed to find the room that contained the source of all their misery. The door was just barely ajar. After they had settled on their plan, Cid crouched down, ready to push the door open with the end of his spear, while Yuffie drew out her shuriken and bent her knees, prepared to rush in. The pilot quietly counted.
       "One… two… three!" With a quick thrust, the spear lunged forward, causing the door to swing inward and smack against the wall. Ready to face just about anything, Yuffie jumped into the room.

Somebody's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor, open the door
And let 'em in

       She was in there for barely a minute when her scream reached the pilot's ears. Cid stood up and rushed into the dimly-lit room. "Yuffie, what's wro-- HOLY &*#%!!"
       The scene in front of him said it all. In a king-size bed, Sephiroth, Vincent, Cloud, and a guy with black spiky hair who he guessed was Zack were frantically trying to pull the sheets back over their naked forms. Various articles of clothing were scattered about the room's floor and furnishings. On the window ledge, a stereo was blasting the very same bad songs that Cid and Yuffie had been subjected to all night. Cid quietly took the shuriken from the petrified Yuffie and threw it at the stereo, knocking it out of the open second-story window, from which it fell and crashed on the cobblestones below. The shuriken boomeranged back to Cid; he caught it and placed it back in Yuffie's frozen hand. She remained still for a moment, then suddenly turned and buried her face into the pilot's chest. For the first time in his life, Cid felt awkward. Very awkward.
       Cid and the foursome stared at each other for awhile without saying anything. Finally, Sephiroth broke the silence.
       "What is the meaning of this? Why have you come here to interrupt us this late at night?"
       "Isn't it obvious? It's that damn music of yours! We could hear it all the way in Rocket Town! Where the #$&^ did you guys get such bad taste in music, that's what I want to know!"
       Cloud, whose face had been beet-red since Cid and Yuffie's entrance, apologized profusely, "We're very sorry… we didn't realize the sound would travel that far."
       "The hell you would!" Cid yelled. "What the &*#% are you guys doing, anyway? Not that I don't know, ya sick &*@%s!"
       Zack answered, "Who are you to call us sick? What's the story with you and that girl?"
       Vincent chimed in, "Yeah!"
       "Seriously, she looks young enough to be your daughter," Sephiroth intoned. "And you're calling us sick &*@%s."
       "That's none of your damn business!" Yuffie shouted, her voice muffled by Cid's shirt. The pilot rolled his eyes to the ceiling and sighed wearily. He took Yuffie by the shoulders and pushed her away. She resumed her place beside Cid, this time with her head tilted down so that she wouldn't have to look at the four men before her.
       "Look," Cid said. "We'll get going now and leave you guys to your… whatever you wanna call it. We just wanted to stop that #$&% music, that's all. And now we have. C'mon Yuffie… let's head back to Rocket Town."
       "Wait, Cid!" Vincent called as they turned to leave.
       "What," Cid answered, staring at the former Turk with a tired, annoyed expression.
       After a moment of silence, Vincent simply shook his head. "…Never mind."
       Cid gave him a funny look, then turned and led Yuffie out of the room. Sephiroth, Cloud, Zack, and Vincent all listened to Cid and Yuffie's retreating footfalls, which finally ceased with the slamming shut of the Mansion's front door. Sephiroth glared at Vincent, his eyebrows pinched into a disapproving frown.
       "You weren't going to… invite him to join us, were you?"

       The Tiny Bronco made it back to Rocket Town without incident. It was well past midnight, and the village was completely silent. Cid and Yuffie crept past the sleeping Nanaki and into the kitchen, where Cid started a pot of water boiling to make some tea. Yuffie leaned against the counter and shuddered.
       "What's wrong?" Cid whispered.
       "I was just remembering what we saw in the Shinra Mansion."
       "You shouldn't. That was some disturbing *&^# we saw back there, and the sooner we forget about it, the better."
       Yuffie nodded, and watched the pot on the stove. They stood there in the kitchen in silence. Then, all of a sudden, the young ninja pinched her eyes shut and put one hand to her forehead, as though she had a headache.
       "You all right?" Cid asked.
       "Yeah… it's just that I have one of those bad songs stuck in my head."
       "Oh no…"
       "You're telling me! I hope it goes away by morning."
       "What song is it?"
       "Are you sure you want me to tell you? You'll only get it stuck in your head, too."
       "C'mon, it can't be that bad."
       "Wanna bet?"
       "Try me."
       Yuffie told him the name of the song. Cid mulled over this for a moment, then swore out loud. Apparently, Yuffie's prediction had come true.
       "Oh #$%*. And after going through all that trouble to stop the music in the first place…"
       The water boiled and Cid finished preparing the tea. After it was made, Cid and Yuffie crept into the backyard with their teacups and quietly tried to remember the words of that awful song, so they could dislodge it from their minds. An hour later, they had drifted off to sleep, sitting against the back wall of the house. By the next morning, the song had left their collective consciousness, never to bother them again.

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh nooooo…

---

Completed September 2002 | Copyright 2002, Reeve.

The following was a satire on that most evil, most vile of fanfiction genres, the songfic. For lyrical reference, I turned to Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs, from which the selected lyrics were taken. The songs referenced were "(They Long To Be) Close To You", by the Carpenters; "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett; "My Way", by Paul Anka; "Let 'Em In", by Paul McCartney; and of course, the Worst Song of All Time, "MacArthur Park", written by Jimmy Webb and sung by Richard Harris (and later, Donna Summer).